You probably learned a long time ago that your parents were not morning people. In fact, they aren’t even people until they have had their first or second cup of coffee in the morning.
Your parents are kind, loving and patient people who are easy to get along with, after their morning coffee, of course. Until then, you want to steer clear of them. They will be the first to tell you that anything they say or do they cannot be held accountable for until after their morning cup of coffee. You have seen it first-hand, it is definitely a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformation. That is, your parents are Mr. and Mrs. Hyde before coffee. After coffee is when they turn back into human beings.
And you also learned a long time ago that there are certain things you don’t do in the morning before your parents have their coffee. Just don’t even go there. We cannot be held responsible for anything that happens to you should you disregard the following list. You have been warned. Smokin’ Beans Coffee Company, your source for quality bulk coffee beans, offers the things you never do before your parents have their morning coffee.
Do Not Ask Questions
Do not ask your mom where your shoes are, do not ask dad for an advance on your allowance and certainly don’t ask either parent if you can have a puppy. These questions are difficult enough to deal with after coffee, but impossible to tolerate before coffee.
We can pretty much guarantee that the answer to almost every pre-coffee question will be no. Even if you ask who was the first person on the moon, the answer would be no. It is far better to wait until your parents have their coffee and achieve conciseness before asking them a question.
Do Not Turn on the Television
Your parents have zero tolerance for the Disney Channel or any other type of cartoons until they are fully caffeinated. Even then, they are barely putting up with you watching loud, obnoxious kid shows until noon.
If you want to hear your parents shout obscenities, turn on SpongeBob SquarePants and crank the volume to 11.
Do Not Tattle on Your Sibling
Do not inform your mom or dad of the injustices you have suffered in the hands of your brother or sister before they have had at least two cups of coffee each. This holds true whether the injustices are real or imagined. We can tell you that if you do, you will suffer an injustice inflicted by your parents.
Here is a short list of injustices best left ignored.
- Your brother called you “stupid.”
- Your sister used the last of the milk on her cereal.
- Your brother locked you in the bathroom.
- Your sister tried to push you down the stairs.
- Your brother fed the dog your peanut butter sandwich.
Save all queries for later.
Never Allow a Non-Family Member in the House
if your friend stops by before your parents have had their coffee, take the necessary steps to keep them outside as long as possible. In no way do you want your friend to have to see what your parents act like before they have had their coffee. So keep all non-family members out of the house until it is safe.
Do Not Make Random, Annoying Noises
Before your parents have their morning coffee, there will be no burp noises, fart noises, giggling just for the sake of giggling, whistling, beatboxing or humming. And don’t you dare slurp your cereal, crunch your toast or chew your muffin loudly.
Do Not Stomp Down the Stairs
If you wish to survive until your next birthday, do not stomp down the stairs until after your parents have had their morning cup of coffee. Even a herd of elephants wouldn’t make as much noise as you do coming down the stairs.
Do Not Ask What is for Breakfast
It is far better to starve to death than to ask either of your parents what is for breakfast. Should you feel the life draining from your body, check under the kitchen table for crumbs that will sustain you until coffee has been consumed.
And should your parents run out of coffee, take it upon yourself to visit Smokin’ Beans Coffee and buy them some more.